Out with the old...

... and in with the new.

The Don.

To Napa Valley we will go this weekend. To celebrate. To relax. To enjoy one another.

More to report very soon.

I have some things on my mind....

.... so I'm going to start blogging again.

Stay tuned.

Random Things for a Wednesday

I don’t know what I was thinking when I got dressed this morning. I overslept and threw something on – I look real Midwestern-ish (not that anything is wrong with the Midwest – “hey Craig!!!”)

I am not calling him.

He doesn’t think anything is wrong. He also doesn’t know that I know he’s going on a trip with someone else. I could easily cancel that trip with one click of the mouse.

We were never exclusive, so should I really be mad or upset?

I hope it's the worst trip ever. Yes, I'm Secretizing it.

I want to get married and have children. With him. That’s my official statement. I used to wonder if I really did, I used to be okay with the distance. I used to be faking the funk. Now I am sure.

I want to change jobs. But I don’t really want to look for a new one. I wish one would fall from the sky – right into my lap. Plus the economy kinda scares me. I’m kinda secure where I am.

My grandmother has good days and not so good days. It’s hard somedays for her and me.

I need a break.

I want to move. Like to another time zone, kinda move.

For the last six months, I’ve been trying to cry, but the tears wouldn’t fall. I had the knock-down, drag out cry/pity party I’ve been wanting over the weekend. It was refreshing. My pal CC says it’s good for a true re-set.

I’m definitely re-setting.

I bought a computer monitor today at my company’s product sale. I hope it spurs more writing from my part.

I may go to Cost.co and buy a new TV for my bedroom tonight. Just because – it helps keep the economy moving. Just doing my part.

I thought I would leave New York, and then be on my way to Europe or somewhere fantastic. Alas, Christmas was canceled. For me, but not for him.

I will be in New York in two weeks for work. Then I’m going to DC to see my friends - because they are FANTASTIC! Then I’m coming back to CA and going underground. House repairs and Hearst Castle and all the things I can never get to because I’m always flying cross country.

Why was I the one always flying?

Do you know he had me standing at the airport for almost an hour?

I hate to wait.

Wonder what that was about that day? I could give a damn, really.

I’m on Mat.ch.co.m – plenty of communication. But not one date. Damn these Cali men.

I looked really, really cute at the wedding I attended Saturday. Thank you J. Cr.ew.

I think I’ll go get a mani/pedi today – at a new spot close to work. Will give it a try. I need a go-to during lunch/right after work spot.

I thought he would one day ask me to move, or consider moving. I thought he would say, “I want you to move.” He would say things like, “your living room chairs would look so nice in the front room,” or “the other bedroom furniture would finish up the other bedroom nicely,” or “you’re supposed to be here.” I guess I need it real easy layman’s terms. I needed him to say, “I want you to move here to be with me.”

I feel like I’ve been so foolish. And I was…

I wasn’t living for me. I thought I was, but really I wasn’t. I wasn’t in the driver’s seat, I wasn’t the one in control.

But not anymore.

I'm glad I have wonderful friends, and a wonderful mother. I love her.

I made some of the best damn turkey burgers on Memorial Day. I believe we’ll have turkey burgers part deux Thursday evening for dinner.

I am going to hook up my Wii Fit tonight. I have a goal of doing Wii Fit every morning before work.

Am I really guarded? Do I not share?

The answer is yes, to both. I need to work on that.

Hope that’s not the lesson I was being taught by that relationship.

He will resurface. I know this. And this time I will be ready.

I’ve never been ready before.

I’m feeling restless. There it is... I’m kinda young and very, very much restless.

Maybe

things are turning around. First I must turn myself around.

Haircuts and Roller Sets

Monday, 6:25 am

“I’m gonna run, jump, go, get, come ‘round the
mountain, then sit a spell, dance a jig, make a list and check it twice, count
to 8,592…

… and then I’ll be home to take you to the airport.”

Really he said, “After work, I’m going to get my hair cut, then I’ll be
home in time to take you to the airport.”

As he was leaving he came over
and we kissed gently. I said, “hope you have a great day….”

I reclined
back onto my pillow, listened to the garage door go down and thought, “to hell
with this shjt!” I changed my original plan to work from “my east coast remote
office” and simply got up, doing what I needed to do. I packed my things, called
Ame.rican Airli.nes to rebook an earlier flight, folded two small loads of
laundry (because I needed to keep my idle hands moving, plus I like to go the
extra mile and seal it with a gold star), called a cab, had a cup of tea and
left a little note, in my usual place. Nothing mean or spiteful – just “here’s
the deal, this is how I’m feeling, I’m going home… when you’re ready, I’m
ready.”

And then I left.

I sometimes shuffle things around in my
own life to accommodate others. In fact I do it a lot. It’s something I
recognize, and use the excuse of being “super busy and knowing I can’t get to
everything all the time.” But this time, I realized he had time to do for
himself, and where exactly did my time and I fit into all this?

Maybe I
was just perturbed because he was going for a haircut after work, and I had
forgone a hair appointment a few days prior so I could get on a last-minute
flight to come see him. You know, left on a red-eye so I could spend more time
with him, versus getting my hair done the next day “wasting” precious time I
could be spending with him.

We had other issues on Sunday. Things I
wanted to resolve. I felt he didn’t have my back nor protect me.

If he
had just went the next day for a hair cut, I would have stayed. If he had just
apologized and tried to see eye-to-eye with me, I would have stayed.

But
here I am. I don’t know if he will ever be ready.

It's a beautiful day!

This morning, while en route to the Mall - we caught a quick glimpse and photo of the President and Madame Obama leaving church.

The highlight of my day!

Hello 2009

I have a confession to make – 2008 wasn’t the greatest. Now, now, I shouldn’t complain about it at all, for goodness sake I have a stable job and all, loving family and friends, but I just wasn’t myself last year. Dare I say I was in a rut?

Last year I made no resolutions. I claimed not a thing. I ate nadda black eyed pea. I left for a fab tropical holiday vacation, 28 hours after booking the trip, but left my house an absolute mess. That’s what I returned to in 2008 – a mess – and I think it carried on throughout the entire year. A year of disarray. A year of being pressed for time and energy.

I questioned so many things in 2008. I took polls and conducted informational Q&A sessions, in effort to figure out what to do, when to do, how to do it. It’s as if I didn’t trust myself. I missed some opportunities by simply being stubborn and selfish.

Perhaps I wasn’t living in the moment. I got chubby, well maybe squishy. My clothes fit, but a touch tighter. And I didn’t go to the gym because of it. I relished in sitting on the sofa, enjoying Tivo and marathons of any reality show you could imagine. Work, stress and being overwhelmed were to blame, as well as me not putting myself first. I spent the better part of my 34th year dumbfounded that I was 17 times two. And how could that be?

My stride was lost. And it sure wasn’t stank (©CreoleInDC 2008).

But this year, 2009 is and will be different. Change and hope is in the air, and I’m feeling much more comfortable. The things that needed to be left behind in 2008 are gone.

I did begin the New Year again with a man I love. The GCD, my Cliff Huxtable. Remember when I said Vernon would have liked him? I always think about that and smile. He is my easy on a Sunday morning. I simply adore him. We had our ups and downs in 2008 – more on my part than anything. And that’s okay. 2009 will bring greatness to both him and me, individually and together.

This year my house was organized and model home perfected prior to leaving on our not-so-tropical vacation. The black eyed peas were eaten. Proclamations were made, plans were put into place.

I’m calm again and very happy. I won’t miss the boat this year because 2009 will be my year to shine.

Olé!

Well... after much debate about sticking close to home for New Years, the GCD and I have decided to repeat last year's holiday adventure. A last minute trip to a Spanish speaking country.

Mexico, here we come!

Hope everyone has a wonderful holiday! Best wishes in 2009 to all!

Like the Whitesnake song

Here we go again...

The GCD and I haven't booked our New Years travel plans. The economy is making us both bristle. As well Mandarin-ville has made me want to escape. I'm burnt out ya'll. And healing ain't that easy on the Good Doctor. We need some time off to relax and enjoy one another, as well as put the Blackberries away.

I need some ideas, and I need them quick! Maybe we should just do a repeat of last year... then again, maybe we can just make home a holiday?

How dreadful!

I thought the other night, if anyone deserves their own show, it has to be Dwight on Real Housewives of At.lanta (yeah, I can't help but watch - just one of my guilty pleasures).

Then I found out, he has a reality series in the works. Praise thee!

When you believe.... dreams do come true!

Well.... here I am.

Today is my birthday.

I really can't believe it - 35!!! How did that happen? Thankfully due to the grace of good genes and living right, I am still mistaken for the tender age of 25 or 26 most days, and for that I am so grateful.

The last month or so, I've been really thinking about the number 35. Half way to my mother who is 70. I think about her, at my age now, having her first and only child. Here I am childless and not married. And that is okay. Different times and different wants. And as I believe, in due time.

Friday I spent the day with my mom. I had been on vacation from work the entire week and spending the last day with her was simply the best. We went shopping downtown, tried on tons of shoes and looked at tons of handbags, and had a fabulous lunch. It reminded me of days when she would buy something and tell me it "was for her best friend..." and it would be for me. Of being five years old, then 15, and then 25. And now here I am 35. Half way to her age. I am still and will always be her best friend.

I am amazed at myself most days, and some days I feel like I should be doing twice, if not three times more than what I am doing now. I think this year will be the beginning of a new chapter, a new act, a new path.

I am usually very reflective of the past year. But this year, all I can say is, I am 35, and I am loved, and I am blessed. And that is all I need.

Happy Birthday to me.

Wish I could be like Sarah Palin (NOT!!!)

I wish I could tell the bigwigs here at Mandarin-ville, that I won't be taking questions. Wonder how far that would get me?

No questions, please; Palin sticks to her script
By SARA KUGLER, Associated Press Writer

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

(09-09) 15:27 PDT Lebanon, Ohio (AP) --

John McCain took a risk in picking little-known Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin as a running mate, but now the campaign's playing it safer. She's sticking to a greatest hits version of her convention speech on the campaign trail and steering clear of questions until she's comfortable enough for a hand-picked interviewer later this week.

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/n/a/2008/09/09/politics/p125635D64.DTL

WWVSN?*

My father passed away eleven years ago yesterday. I guess this year I remember more than others because it was a Sunday.

A week after Princess Diana died, and then Mother Theresa, that Sunday, September 7, 1997, my mother and I woke up in the hospital hotel. She sat on the side of her bed, me facing her on mine, and she said quietly, “today is the day…”

We walked in silence through the corridors, my mother stopping to get a drink. I went into the ICU to be buzzed in. The nurse told me to come quick – my father was in cardiac arrest.

It would be not long before he left us, maybe less than 30 minutes or so before he faded completely away. I sat with him for a few moments alone and thanked him for being the very best father I could have, and for everything, just simply everything. I leaned on his chest and breathed in his essence, touched his hair, patted his skin. I never wanted to leave him, but knew that I had to.

Eleven years have passed very quickly, and I have seen many ups and downs since that Sunday. Yesterday I asked my mother if we could take some flowers to Vernon’s grave. I stood there, as I have many times before in the last handful of years and wondered, “what would Vernon say now?”*

Would he be happy with the decisions I have made? I know he would have much to say about the election this year and Obama. Would he have bought a hybrid car? He would be very proud of some, if not most of what I have done – proud of my career, my home, of what I have obtained. But being a man of many words, I wonder what would my father say to me today? What direction would he suggest I take?

I always chuckle about the one hot summer I spent dating this guy. I was about 20 and the guy went to a different university. We met at some festival in Oakland – I remember I was doing the butterfly in the club. I suppose Patra was big then. That was the summer I was making way more money than my friends and had a fine azz boyfriend too. By Labor Day, the guy was back at his school, and I thought I was in love. The calls, visits and dates soon faded, and I didn’t understand why.

My father said so easily over Sunday breakfast one weekend in September I was home visiting, “Ali, he was your summer boyfriend…. Summer is over.”

It was then so crystal clear.

He was very no nonsense, but in a very loving and giving way.

The last eleven years I feel as if I’ve been on some unknown road. Do I go this way, or do I go that way? My dad has come to me in dreams, but only maybe four or five times. Once right before my grandfather died, then about a guy who I thought was the cat’s meow, and then twice while on my first vacation with the Good Colored Doctor (those were good, reassuring dreams). As always, he came with a message. I go to bed some nights now, when I am unsure of anything and everything and pray that he will just come to me in a dream and tell me what to do.

I think it’s my pending birthday just around the bend making me ponder so many things. Do I move? Do I marry? Do I have children? Do I switch careers? Do I find a way to get back into the gym? Do I have it in me? Do I know what I really want? Do I really believe?

I miss my father, more than usual. Maybe because it’s September. Maybe because I just want things to be crystal clear again.

Tonight is the night

Seventeen months ago, Queen of All Molly's and I ventured to Oakland one sunny Saturday afternoon - it was St. Patrick's Day - to see Barack Obama speak at his first Bay Area rally since announcing his presidential campaign. Molly and I were two of over 12,000 supporters that day - and I will say just as I did that day, "We have got to believe."

I haven't been this excited about a presidential candidate since 1992 when Bill Clinton made a campaign stop at my university. That year was the first election I could vote. I feel the same electricity in the air today, like I did 16 years ago. On this most important day - on the 45th anniversary of Martin Luther King's "I Have a Dream" speech - I hope you all will join me tonight and watch history in the making and will continue to support (or begin supporting) our next President Barack Obama.

Enjoy these photos of the campaign: http://www.scouttufankjian.com/main.php (Compliments of Travel Diva, by way of CreoleInDC)

Wearing my big pearls today in honor of Michelle...

Always,

Miss Ali D